What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?

He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.

My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .

She found it foreign!.

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And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)

My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.

Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..

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He was dying to do it , i knew.

Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.

As i do to all so called friends.?

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This is soul school!.

Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.

You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .

Voluptates qui qui deleniti laborum et sed corrupti.

He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!

We could never speak unless he spoke to us!

I might have to go back 30 generations or more..

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He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .

I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)

My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.

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Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.

My life is so biszare .

I was scared of men, in general

Is GATE tougher than JEE?

Its mostly always from childhood abuse .

Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.

The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,

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But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!

Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.

The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!

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On the 31st of Jan this month .

When she asked me how she looked .

You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.

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I had hoped to write a book about this .

She wouldn,t have been !

One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.

She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!

Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.

He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.

Put me off passion for life!!

I was 9 years of age.

The only rule us 5 kids had .

It was going to be , some day.

But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,

It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.

BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.

Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!

What did i know ?

And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!

Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!

Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.

We all went to grammer schools

Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.

And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!

So whats the point in blame.

But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.

Was to survive, this bastard.

I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .

So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.

She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!

I don,t even have a pension.

Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other

She loved him until the end.

My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.

But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!

But im dying ,and its too late for me.

It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.

All the time i was locked up.

I said to her

Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)

This is how, and why children get BPD.

I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor

I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.

He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.

5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.

Where the ultimate outsiders.

But, we were locked up after school.

As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.

I was very sick at this time too.

Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t

And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .

And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!

As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.

I will be 64.

And i lived it daily.

Comes on , in middle age.

Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.

Thats was my nicest nick name for him

Who then, do I blame.?

But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .

And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.

She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.

Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.

He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!

I know ,a lot about trauma.

I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.

I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.

My family never makes their pension either.

He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.

But im an empath, and i help lots of people.

Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years

One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)

I never cut or harmed myself..

Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.

That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.

His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.

(And it was in our own minds.)

I write beautiful poetry .

Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.

And who doesn’t know suffering?

Especially a lifetime of it.

I was seconnd youngest,

I could never make a relationship work though!

Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..

I did it because my mum asked me too!

Im dying but, im not bitter.

She was a women, a mother with her own children!.

Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.

So, i spoilt her more .

They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?

Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.

The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.

He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.

She died at 55 of colon cancer.

I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.

Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!

And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!

I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!

I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.

I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.

He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!

I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.

Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.

I was writing from the time i was a small child.

Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.

She was in good health!

We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!

I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.

My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.

When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!

Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.

Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?

One cannot live in the past .

I waited trembling.

She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!

I of course replied” arh beautiful!

Ive learnt so much.

But it wasn’t much.

Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..

Im still living with it.

I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!

We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.

Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..

She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.

Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.

But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).

He resisted the act ,that day.

She married twice! .

I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.

We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..

I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.

And, all my friends down the years ,where users.

Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.

But ive been too sick for many years..

One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.

As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!

We were not on the streets..

The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..

I think the readers, may guess!

As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!

Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!

Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.

Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.

I suffer greatly, because of BPD..

So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.

We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.

For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)

A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.

Another so called friend had bit the dust..

I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers

He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!

I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.

.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them

Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!

Why did i forgive my father ?

At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.

But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !

Would this be the day?

I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.

He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!

I couldn’t, believe it.

They are buried together, in the same grave..

19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.

But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!

I have no regrets .

Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life

One cannot hold on to bitterness.

My mum and dad in the seventies!

As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)

With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.

His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!

My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!

He knew the spot.